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MIDDLESBROUGH v TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR TALE OF THE TAPE 2-11-07
James Bassett
Or
Razor Ramos
Not since Guy Fawkes' Gunpowder Plot has London seen a more ham-fisted attempt to overthrow a popular leader than Tottenham's woeful dismissal of Martin Jol.
After sacking the Dutchman, presumably for finishing fifth more often than an angler with a lisp, Spurs are in a state of flux on and off the pitch and this game is the perfect chance for Boro's sparkling attacking play to explode into goals.
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Mark Schwarzer v Paul Robinson
Now, TotT has been all-too-quick to point out that Skippy isn't having the best time of things at the moment but only a big thicko, or perhaps Paul Robinson's mum, would suggest that there's presently a worse goalkeeper in the league than England's first-choice.
Football players of Middlesbrough, if you're reading, shoot from anywhere.
Except you, Rochemback.
Skippy 6 - Robinson 1
Luke Young v Pascal Chimbonda
In 1997 Luke Young joined Tottenham as a trainee. A decade on and Young finds himself part of one of the Premiership's most shonky defences.
Fortunately, the club he left in 2001 has an even more shonky defence so he won't be especially envious of Chimbonda.
Young 7 - Chimbonda 7
David Wheater v Michael Dawson
Animal lover Dawson dreads firework night. Three years ago some horrible oiks strapped a bottle rocket to the back of his beloved European Shorthair cat, Pickles, and last year his pet badger, Felix, crawled into his neighbour's bonfire and was duly incinerated.
The only animals David Wheater likes are the ones on his plate.
Wheater 10 - Dawson 7
Jonathan Woodgate v Younis Kaboul
Like any red-blooded man, Johnny Woodgate loves firework night. So much so that he's imported a box of Chinese rockets to mark the event.
Younis Kaboul prefers the simple pleasure of writing his name with a sparkler. The big girl.
Woodgate 7 - Kaboul 7
Andrew Taylor v Lee Young-Pyo
Meh.
Taylor 7 - Young-Pyo 6
Gary O'Neil v Aaron Lennon
If anything warrants a firework display it's the fact that, in Gary O'Neil, Boro have finally landed a very decent right-midfielder.
Aaron Lennon's super quick pace gives the impression that he might have rockets attached to his heels. Which, thinking about it, might also explain why he's unable to stay on his feet or cross the ball properly.
O'Neil 8 - Lennon 8
Lee Cattermole v Didier Zokora
Is this it for the Boat? The once quintessential destroyer appears to have had his day and has been replaced by Supercatts, who, really, one glorious night in Rome aside, hasn't really been all that super.
He's still some way better than Zokora though.
Catts 7 - Zokora 6
Fabio Rochemback v Jermaine Jenas
Reasonably talented but unfathomably lightweight, Spurs fans rate Jenas as their most frustrating player.
Speaking of which, Rocky was back to his most frustrating at Old Trafford. He demanded the ball and yet when he received it, instead of passing it on, he shamelessly delayed like a non-committal suicidal looking down over a rooftop.
Rocky 7 - Jenas 7
Stewart Downing v Steed Malbranque
Steed Malbranque quite famously thumbed his nose at Middlesbrough when Gareth Southgate tried to bring him to the club. It's an insult that is unlikely to see him added to the guest list at The Stray's firework night park.
Being Boro's premier wheels of steel spinner, DJ Downing will be whipping the Redcar crowd into a frenzy with a selection of suitable tunes. These are set to include The Prodigy's Firestarter, Spanish Bombs by The Clash, Shonen Knife's Explosion and, of course, Embrace's Fireworks.
DJ Downing 8 - Malbranque 8
Tuncay Sanli v Robbie Keane
Tuncay impressed at Old Trafford, but rather like a Catherine Wheel in a vacuum, the threat he possesses is nullified by Southgate not quite knowing where to play him.
TotT can't be bothered to look up the stats but we're sure Robbie Keane has scored more goals against Middlesbrough than any other player ever.
Brave Heart 8 - Keane 9
Jeremie Aliadiere v Dmitar Berbatov
Aliadiere appears to become injured any time Southgate has the gall to get him to play football. In fact, rather like Schrodinger's football player, he appears to exist in a quantum state of both crocked and uncrocked until he takes to the field again and his waveform collapses.
TotT would now usually say something about Dmitar Berbatov but we've rather confused ourselves with the previous sentence.
Aliadiere 7 - Berbatov 9
Summary
Boro 82 - Spurs 75
Yes, the last time Boro faced a side managed by Juande Ramos, it didn't work out too well for us; and yes, scoring against Boro seems to be no harder than beating a pair of quadruple amputees at a game of Swingball but Tale of the Tape smells an upset here.
Prediction: 3-2 to Boro.
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