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MANCHESTER CITY v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 5-10-07
James Bassett
Or...
Promises Of Eternity
At the beginning of this season, your new ring announcer made a promise that Tale of the Tape would now contain only accurate information about the players we've featured.
But somewhere along the way we forget to check whether or not the players we featured would actually be taking to the field, and last week, we omitted to mention that Tim Howard, Alan Stubbs, Mikel Arteta, James McFadden and Lee Dong Gook were playing.
Similarly, Gareth Southgate promised at the beginning of his tenure that Boro would now be a pass-happy team that created plenty of chances, and he would probably stand by that claim. But somewhere along the way he neglected to mention whether or not his team would actually take the chances.
And so, as TotT introduces another woefully inaccurate list of players, the Boro head to Eastlands for the kind of shafting that you'd usually have to hand over your credit card details to witness.
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Joe Hart v Mark Schwarzer
Schwarzer's poor form continued against Everton, as the big Aussie failed to command his area for Lescott's easily avoided opener. He might have learnt a lot from his buddy Viduka, but it appears the notion of shop-windowing himself hasn't occurred to Skippy. Buck your ideas up, big fella.
Manchester City's former first-choice goalkeeper is Kasper Schmeichel who, we're told, is the son of Peter Schmeichel. Which, we assume, makes Joe Hart the son of former World Wrestling Federation champion, Bret 'The Hitman' Hart.
Hart 6 - Schwarzer 6
Vedran Corluka v Luke Young
Corluka is about nineteen feet tall and Luke Young, while not exactly a shortarse, will struggle to match the City right-back physically.
Young's no fool though, so he's been studying footage of Dida's hilarious belated tumble after a boisterous Jock brushed his cheek. If Young's proposed antics work and City are reduced to ten men, Boro might stand a chance.
Corluka 8 - Young 7
Micah Richards v David Wheater
Has Dave Wheater met his match?
TotT has to admit to being a big fan of Richards, but Boro's third choice striker is TotT's favourite du jour, so he keeps his ten.
Plus, Lee Dong Gook's run in the first team makes it all the more likely that Wheats will be Boro's top scorer this season, so TotT's tenner at 75/1 remains a sexy-looking bet.
Richards 10 - Wheater 10
Richard Dunne v Jonathan Woodgate
Should be a no contest on paper, because Woodgate is clearly the more adept player. But you don't need to be Toby Higgins to realise that he's not been at his best so far this season.
Manchester City's attacking movement will ensure Woody is in for a tough afternoon. Boro's inability to score will ensure that Dunne will bring his patio set and barbecue onto the pitch and have a relaxing old time.
Dunne 8 - Woodgate 8
Javier Garrido v Andrew Taylor
Javier Garrido is Spanish for Andrew Taylor.
Seriously, I've given up.
Garrido 7 - Taylor 7
Stephen Ireland v Gary O'Neil
At last! A ray of light for Boro!
Gary O'Neil might have missed a sitter against Everton, but Stephen Ireland is absolutely crap.
First of all, he had curly hair last season, and this year, his hair is dead straight. Get rid of the GHDs, son, and let your curls run free. You look a fool.
Secondly, he wears yellow boots.
Thirdly, he's crap.
Fourthly, he made up some bullshit story about one, and then the other, of his Nans dying, when what had really happened was that his girlfriend had had a miscarriage. We'd pass flippant comment, but that's dodgy ground for even Tale of the Tape.
Ireland 5 - O'Neil 7
Dietmar Hamann v George Boateng
The Boat takes on his German equivalent in a scrap that could determine the outcome of the contest.
Being German, Hamann does pretty much the same thing as his Dutch counterpart, but with added efficiency and slightly less arrogance.
Hamman 8 - The Boat 7
Elano v Fabio Rochemback
Inconceivably, Elano is a year older than Rochemback. But while Elano has an entire team built around his ability to dictate play, the only thing Rocky has ever had built around him is an extra supportive girdle for his big, fat belly.
Elano 10 - Rocky 7
Michael Johnson v Stewart Downing
Ah, the record shops of Manchester. Pelican Neck, Piccadilly, Fat City.. heaven for a disc-spinner like DJ Downing.
While in Manchester, Downing has got himself booked to play a headline set at student indie night Revolver, and hopes to wow the crowd with tracks by Oasis, The Buzzcocks, Ian Brown, Happy Mondays, The Fall, Joy Division, Nine Black Alps, The Charlatans and The Smiths.
If his John Squire haircut is anything to go by, Michael Johnson will be there.
Johnson 8 - DJ Downing 8
Martin Petrov v Tuncay Sanli
Martin Petrov has scored three goals in his last two games, which makes mincemeat of Tuncay's off-quoted stat of a goal every three games in his homeland.
TotT fears that statistic may eventually be Tuncay's undoing. Unless he scores eighteen on Sunday.
Petrov 8 - Brave Heart 7
Emile Mpenza v Lee Dong Gook
Mpenza isn't an especially impressive footballer and it's difficult to imagine him being Sven's first choice striker if Rolando Bianchi wasn't homesick and Valeri Bojinov wasn't crocked, but Mpenza has all the unimpressive hallmarks of a player who's destined to score against the Boro.
TotT is reliably informed that Mido ain't gonna make it. So it'll be the goalless duo of Brave Heart and The Lion King up front.
Speaking of nicknames, Korean fans used to refer to Lee Dong Gook as The Lazy Genius.
Turns out they were half right.
Mpenza 7 - The Gookster 5
Summary
Citeh 85 - Boro 79
City have two weaknesses: they don't have a decent keeper and Stephen Ireland is crap. Unfortunately for Boro, they are a decent keeper and a decent right-winger away from being a top-four team. Stop sniggering, it's true.
This one could get messier than a Parisian underpass.
Prediction
It's a cruise for Sven's boys, as Boro go down 3-0.
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