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MIDDLESBROUGH v SUNDERLAND TALE OF THE TAPE 21-9-07
James Bassett
Or
Talkin' 'bout The Smiling Deathporn Immortality Blues (Everyone Wants To Live Forever)
The Flaming Lips, and a million less talented bands besides, reckon that everybody wants to live forever. And, until recently, Tale of the Tape wanted exactly that. Partly so we would be able to see the fourth season of Deadwood, but mainly because it would allow us to stay alive long enough to see Boro play some good football.
It doesn't matter now though. Because, while a fourth season of Deadwood may never get made, after fluking a win against Fulham, holding the Geordies to a draw, making mincemeat of a shiiiiiiiite Birmingham team, and going down more bravely than Amy Winehouse's fella at Upton Park, Boro are officially brilliant.
30,000 plus crowds won't be far away, everyone will get Robert Huth's face tattooed on their backs and grow mullets like Southgate.
Utopia awaits.
But first we must beat the Mackems.
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Mark Schwarzer v Craig Gordon
When Roy Keane splashed nine million wing-wangs on Craig Gordon, TotT assumed that, like the transfers of Michael Chopra and Kieron Richardson, the Irishman had spent a helluva lot of dosh on a hellavu mediocre player.
Not for the three-hundreth time, TotT was wrong. With each passing game, Gordon is looking like one of the most accomplished goalkeepers in the division.
There was a time when you could have said the same about Skippy. But ever since his big buddy Mark Viduka left, he's been more half-arsed than Heather Mills.
Skippy 6 - Gordon 9
Luke Young v Paul McShane
TotT's Charlton-supporting friends assure us that we've yet to see the best of Luke Young. TotT's opinion is that as long as Young's keeping Andrew Davies out of the team, he's doing sterling work.
Lining up against Young is the bloke who played Ted Bovis in Hi-De-Hi. Even with his club singer background, he'll be no match for Young.
Young 8 - Ted Bovis 5
David Wheater v Nyron Nosworthy
Dapper David Wheater was said to be devastated after last week's 3-0 defeat to West Ham. However, it wasn't the 3-0 scoreline that irked him, nor the fact that a rather weak bit of defending on his part let in Lee Bowyer for their opener. No, what really pissed the giant stopper off were the horrendous gold shorts that he and his teammates were asked to wear. Wheater will be back to his best in the red home shorts and will probably score a hat-trick of overhead kicks. From his own eighteen-yard box.
TotT has been trying all week to work out some sort of Wayne's World gag to fit in around the Sunderland centre-back's name.
We've given up.
Wheater 10 - We Are Nosworthy 6
Jonathan Woodgate v Danny Higginbotham
Dear, oh dear. This could be the most one-sided scrap since the publication of Marvel's ill-advised cash-in Spiderman vs. Anita Roddick.
Woody 8 - Higginbotham 4
Andrew Taylor v Danny Collins
TotT always looks forward to this part of the feature, and with particular vigour this week.
In the red shirt, we have Andy Taylor. A very talented left-back, whom we know absolutely nothing of any interest about.
And in the.... erm.... whatever colour the deckchairs wear as their away shirt we have a bloke we've never heard of.
Taylor 8 - Collins 5
George Boateng v Grant Leadbitter
Not even the £6million signing of a bloke who is actually a right-midfielder will usurp the skipper from the starting line-up, so George Boateng will continue in the starting line-up. Actually, TotT must admit to being thoroughly impressed with The Boat so far this season. His discipline allows Arca and Rochemback the freedom to create in the middle and, by staying narrow, he allows Luke Young to provide an attacking threat. It's just a shame that the club's second worst crosser of the ball is playing in a wide position.
The worst? So far this season, Stewart Downing.
Grant Leadbitter will probably do something or other during the ninety minutes.
The Boat 7 - Leadshitter (ho ho) 6
Jubio Arcemback v Dwight Yorke & Dixon Ethuhu
TotT can't be certain, but we've got a feeling that the players once known as Julio Arca and Fabio Rochemback have actually morphed into one. The South American ancestry, the hairbands, the untucked shirts.... and that's before we get to their apparent telepathy on the football field. In short, they're making Tale of the Tape and Toby Higgins look like a pair of mugs for doubting the talents of Rochemback and Arca respectively.
Before we spent (hardly) any time researching this piece, we wondered, since Keane paid £6m for Kenwyne Jones, how much he had paid for Samuel Eto'o. It turns out that Sunderland's Etuhu not only spells his name differently, but he's an entirely different person.
Sunderland would be better off if they replaced Dwight Yorke with the blind kid he had with Jordan.
Arcemback 20 - Yorke & Ethuhu 12
Stewart Downing v Ross Wallace
Prompted by wearing gold shorts during Boro's outing to the capital last weekend, DJ Downing has been adding some gay anthems to his set. Visitors to The Purple Onion on Saturday night should expect to hear Elton John's Are You Ready For Love, I'm Coming Out by Diana Ross, The Weather Girls' It's Raining Men and Smalltown Boy by Bronski Beat. Downing's climax [careful - Ed] will be a 15-minute mash-up of Queen's Don't Stop Me Now, YMCA by The Village People and Over The Rainbow by Judy Garland.
Ross Wallace probably won't be there.
DJ Downing 7 - Wallace 6
Mido v Kenwyne Jones
Where the bloody hell has Mido disappeared to? His goal might have been a fluke, but he owned Craven Cottage on his debut and he followed it up with a well-taken finish against the Skunks. Since then, he's been pretty low-key, preferring to let Jeremie Aliadiere buzz around him like a post-humping fly.
That said, to fall to the same levels as Kenwyne Jones, Mido would have to be so low-key that he'd be able to offer an ant a blow job without kneeling.
Mido 7 - Jones 5
Tuncay Sanli v Michael Chopra
This is Brave Heart's game. He will score.
Anyone care about Michael Chopra? Thought not.
Brave Heart 10 - Chopra 5
Summary
Boro 91 - Mackems 63
On the field, with the exception of Craig Gordon, Sunderland have no good players. Boro have several.
On the touchline, both managers have a lot to learn. Southgate needs to realise that hair occassionally needs cutting, and Keane needs to be told that if you don't work a weekend shift in Next, fist-sized tie knots are not a good idea.
All of which means..... remember what Boro did to Birmingham? This will be even more brutal for the travelling team.
Prediction: Tuncay gets off the mark with a brace as Boro run riot. 4-1 home win.
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