|
 |
THE LONG VIEW - THE DAILY SNORT 13-5-08
Steve Morley
THE DAILY SNORT
That appears every three weeks… a bit like the Boro really
SOUTHGATE SET TO INTRODUCE NEW TACTICS
Following Sunday’s 8-1 drubbing of Manchester City, Boro boss Gareth Southgate tried to stem the tide of euphoria and elation by pointing out that there’s still work to be done. He admitted it was a sizzling show but said that there is still ‘work to do,’ particularly to underpin the sometimes frail zonal marking system with a calibre of defending that is as equally mesmerising as Sunday’s attacking play was.
Southgate said: “This performance was fantastic but we think other teams have rumbled our defensive tactics so in the pre-season we’re going to work on an array of sophisticated and cunning plans that will confuse and outwit opponents. It will be a real show.
“As soon as the other team get a corner or free kick we’ve earmarked Luke Young and Andrew Taylor to plant a couple of red and white deck chairs near the goalposts. That will give the fans something to cheer about.
“Pogi and Huth will roll out some welding kits and steel plates and begin constructing a Panzer tank just in front of the goal line. Meanwhile, Alves and Julio have been charged with firing up a barbecue on the edge of the box. They’ll be joined by a Latin soca band and scantily clad Brazilian dancers waving large fluffy things – in time to the music of course.
“We were planning to have Fabio and Mido wiggle their corpulent backsides in beat with the rhythm, just on the edge of the box, but it seems Fabio wants to open a greasy spoon in Lisbon instead.
“But no matter, Mido will unfold a small table and try to set a pie eating world record, while Tuncay, Aliadiere and O’Neil will run around at breakneck speed in large circles like hares on speed.”
Southgate has special tasks for local boys Downing and Wheater.
“Stewey, will do what he does best and spin the decks on the centre spot – that’ll bewilder the other team. Wheater will distract opposing strikers by offering them bingo cards - and of course we’ll be integrating it with our new marketing by making sure it will be a ‘buy two bingo cards and get one free’ deal.
“Watch out for next season – it shouldn’t be missed.”
FA UNVEILS NEW STRATEGY AND TARGETS
As the football season comes to an end, last night Fabio Capello welcomed the pressure of having to restore tea and biscuits to England's pre-match warm-up routine ahead of the Wales friendly. This was after his employers also demanded he reinstate sausage and mash before any major competition.
The Football Association set out the results of its ‘root-and-branch review’ that was announced after England's team gorged themselves on pasta under McClaren’s tutelage. And according to the targets set out by the FA's Chief Executive, Brian Barwick, that involves ensuring the highest quality stodge is on offer before any major tournament.
Failure to introduce hearty English fare will be met with the fate dealt to Capello's predecessor, Steve McClaren, who was sacked the day after the team sat down to plates of steamed linguine.
Speaking at the scene of that failure, Capello said: "My personal objective in every team I have coached and managed is to avoid paying tax… I mean go to ze top. This is no problem or surprise for me to have these targets. I think it is important to have them and to work towards no tax… I mean, I think we should all be confident about this because the squad we have at the moment is capable of ploughing through mountains of greasy chips.”
When asked whether the FA Chief Executive would resign if he fails to deliver on his promise of returning football to its English roots, the FA chairman, Lord David Triesman, became heated. "I won't talk about any of that foreign muck before we've even started," he said.
When reporters pointed out to Triesman that Capello was Italian, he responded with shock, saying: “Is he? Is he an eyetie? Bloody hell. Barwick get your big fat arse over here… now, move it. Have you been going behind my back again? And get that bloody pie out of your gob.”
The FA also announced plans to have the National Football Centre at Burton-on-Trent up and running by 2059 and to have Wembley in profit by 3112.
THE MESSIAH – "IT’S NOT FAIR"
The ‘Messiah’ recently took centre stage again by clenching his little fists very tightly, stomping up and down and shouting "it’s not fair" in front of the national press.
In a blubbering river of emotive invective, he said: “I’m telling you. I’m going to have a word with the big fella upstairs. It’s just not fair that these big fancy pants clubs with all the money and the best players will always dominate the Premiership. It’s not fair.”
“We’re the sixth largest club in the entire universe, this side of the Milky Way. Even Einstein said so. It’s clear to see in his secret of the universe equation when he revealed E = MC2, or as every Newcastle fan from Lancashire will tell you – that’s me by the way - ‘Eee by gum, it’s Eldon Square.’”
Newcastle boss, Mike Ashley ordered a doctor to bring Keegan to the boardroom to be treated for ‘delirium’.
"Classic case of martyrs' complex, there’s a lot of that here you know," said the doctor.
Meanwhile, just doon the road from the toon, its more humble and modest neighbours, and frankly blindingly realistic supporters, shrugged their collective shoulders and muttered "could have told you that 128 years ago."
BOROSCOPES by MYSTIC MUGGLES
Mark Schwarzer - Well done good and faithful servant. The stars are bidding you an adieu to a long cycle of frustration and underachievement – at last it’s finally coming to an end. Unlike many others, you are being set free. Now, like all cultured antipodeans, you can now realise your life long ambition – to live on the open sunny plains, drinking tinnies in a tint. Farewell.
Lee Cattermole – Oh dear. What have you done? A nasty dark horrible shadow beckons with a menacing finger and deeply scary visage to a purgatorial nether region. It’s name? The crystal ball is spelling out a series of letters, hang on a moment… W, I, G, A and N. Does that mean anything to you?
Fabio R – A simple message this week from your ruling planet, the licentious and voluptuous Venus. You’re three years too late but hey, whatever. Wherever you may be, may your buttocks always ripple and wobble in the breeze (in fact, legions of Boro fans are putting money on it).
Alex ‘everyman’ Crawford – As the football season draws to a snoozy end, the stars are releasing you from your equally mind-numbing routine. After nine months of torturous under achievement and adopting a rictus smile, the planets are saying "just let go, release yourself from inhibitions."
This means that you should grab a crate of beer, a handful of mind changing hallucinogenics and head for the moors or the woods where you can chill to the bone, run naked like an innocent child and scream and jabber wildly.
But don’t be surprised if the sudden ‘thwump thwump’ of whirling helicopter blades and the scream of 1,000 armed to the teeth Judge Dread Robo Cops in terminal over-reaction mode, shatter the serenity of the surroundings and bring to a juddering end your simple, innocent pleasures. You see, it’s always a good idea to ask that nice girl you met at the bus stop whether she would like to join you before blindfolding, gagging and kidnapping her.
RETURN TO THE LONG VIEW INDEX HERE
 |
|
|
|
