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THE LONG VIEW - THE DAILY SNORT 14-3-08
Steve Morley
THE DAILY SNORT
Shining a light on the muck that’s swept under the carpet
LOST CAUSE ON TEESSIDE?
A team of palaeontologists are fanning out over Teesside in search of the famed Boroborsoraus spine. It is believed to be a futile mission but team leader Jake Digfurit is determined to find and unearth these highly valued remains.
“We know it exists, there have been several fleeting sightings in recent years. In fact when Jack Charlton ruled the roost at Ayresome Park, it was clearly seen strutting up and down Linthorpe Road,” he said.
Allegedly, most of the palaeontologist team members think it’s a useless mission but are just hanging in for a huge payday as they dredge deep into the muddy depths.
Onlookers also questioned whether the fabled Boroborsoraus spine would ever be found.
One said: “It doesn’t exist any longer. In fact, there’s more spine in my four year old nipper. The neighbour asked him for a lick of his ice cream. In response, my boy chewed his knee off. That’s spine for you.”
Another passer by claimed to have seen it skulking down the A19 just before the sun rose. “I was taking the five year old bairn out for a ride on her Barbie bike, you know what kids are like, when this big pile of bones came crawling along the road.
“It nearly knocked her off her little pink bike - with stablisers. But did she cry? Did she hell. She squeaked, shook her little pink mitts at it and it scurried off pretty quickly.”
Digfurit said he was sure that he would track down the spine: “It’s out there somewhere. There have been fleeting glimpses, even as recent as a few days ago, and I’ll find it,” he said, whilst pissing into a force nine gale.
CORPSES AT THE FA
Brian Barwick, the FA’s CBB (Chief Billy Bunter) wobbled his jelly like chin this week and announced the extension of its equal opportunities policy to graveyards around the country.
“The FA has always been a forward looking employer and in keeping with our status as flag bearers of the noble game, we’ve decided to ensure the dead are equally represented on our employee roster.”
The move was greeted with howls of derision from around the country but Barwick’s triple jelly chin remained resolute, only quivering ever so slightly.
He added: “For years we have employed the brain dead, recently lobotomized and coma victims on our important committees and they’ve done a sterling job. As any football manager will tell you, you need to build on your successes and that’s exactly what we’re doing.”
Barfwick also maintained that the dead were equally capable of enforcing the FA’s selective judgement policy in which players from high profile clubs are treated dramatically differently to those from less fashionable outfits.
“The deceased are perfectly capable of handing out arbitary judgements. You only need to visit the House of Commons or the High Courts to see that there is one law for the high and mighty and another for the plebeian poor. We’re not about to deviate from this long standing age old tradition.”
FERGIE GUNS FOR REFS, LITERALLY
Man Ure manager Sir Alex Ferguson is seeking a hit squad to gun down referees who don’t agree with him. The move is believed to have the backing of the government and police.
Fergie is upset that referees have made decisions against his team. He fumed: “It’s a bloody disgrace, how can a referee, those insignificant little beetles, come to Old Trafford and make decisions against us? Don’t they know where they are? Bloody bollockly little jumped up upstarts.”
He ranted further: “They’ don’t do their job properly. We lose because they make decisions against us. It’s ridiculous. We do our job, they should do theirs. Don’t they know who I am? For f***s sake I’ve even had a beetroot named after me, uppissarsuss… or something like that."
The government and police force chiefs issued a joint statement agreeing with the Red Faced one: “This country is renowned for its sporting ethos and sense of fair play. We frown on any subversion of this sentiment and quite frankly, any referee who officiates a game in which Manchester United lose is clearly not doing their job properly.”
According to our sources, in order to distance Fergie from any possible repercussions, his intermediaries contacted infamous Bombay-based gangster Dawood Ibrahim to carry out the contract killings.
It was explained to Dawood that Ferguson was the UK equivalent of a Hindu diety and therefore it would be a great honour to slaughter, maim and decapitate referees in his name.
Dawood, however, turned down the lucrative contract. After being a shown a picture of Ferguson, Dawood is rumoured to have said: “This bunda (man) no God. He look like baboon’s arse. I bet he talk like arse, too. Lot’s of smelly wind?”
Boroscopes by Mystic Muggles
Stewart Downing – You recently made a sweeping decision to tie yourself down, to make a commitment for a long time. The stars reveal it’s something you’ll come to regret and that it will scar you forever – until the day you die… and beyond.
Afonso Alves – There will be much mickey taking because your name somehow sounds like Ponso. Take heart. Libra training Mercury suggests that there are others in a similar position. Do you know a Julio, or could that be Julie?
Gareth Southgate – Saturn in your ascendant reveals you are bearing a great responsibility for a group of overpaid malingerers. You may be in a managerial position. However, with Pluto now in Scorpio, it’s clear that you need to adopt a tough approach to get the most out of your charges. Boiling in oil can have wonderful benefits.
Steve Gibsey – Do you feel like you’re being taking for a ride by a nice, diplomatic employee who adopts a touchie-feely approach? If you think you are, be careful where and who, he’s feeling and touching. It could lead to the law courts.
Darren ‘everyman’ Wood – Neptune squaring hoary old Saturn, Pluto sinking in your ascendant and the moon rising in Scorpio suggests this past week has been a bit ruff tuff.
In fact, it’s fair to say that this period ranks with the one when the old man gave you a black eye when you spat out that Woodbine he’d thrust into your mouth to "make a man" out of you. You were five years old.
Later the same week you had to jack up vinegar for a ‘fish ’n’ chip’ rush because there was no food in the house. It was the next best thing. Yes, the stars suggest it’s been one of those weeks.
However, the planets are finally moving, indicating all is set to change. This will be a welcome relief as hope, optimism and faith gently breeze back into your life with the faint, sweet touch of a newly perfumed spring promising renewed vitality and vigorous life.
This will infuse you with a sense of joy and bliss and you’ll smile with easy charm at strangers and children playing in the park.
But it’ll be difficult to appreciate when you’re arrested for being a nonce and banged up in solitary confinement for your own protection.
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