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CHRISTMAS CRACKERS - 24-12-07
Louis Spence
To be a top sportsman, one needs total dedication to the sport. It would appear that in many cases, this necessary devotion comes at the exclusion of basic education if these following hilarious quotations are considered.
See how many of the culprits you can identify. The following are all by footballers or managers and no transgressor appears more than once:
1. I couldn't settle in Italy- it was like living in a foreign country (3,4)
2. My parents have always been there for me. Ever since I was seven (5, 7)
3. I always put my right boot on first, then obviously my right sock (5,7)
4. We had 99% of the game. It was the other 3% that cost us (4,7)
5. I was a young lad when I was growing up (5,1,5)
6. I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in (5,8)
7. Good news for Nigeria is they are two down early in the game (5,6)
8. Well either side could win it. Or it could be a draw (3,8)
9. I'd like to play for an Italian club - like Barcelona (4,6)
10. The first ninety minutes are the most important (5,6)
At least they had the excuse that they were not trained to commentate. Unlike the next lot:
1. Lisbon in their green and white hoops looking like a team of zebras - Peter Jones
2. Ritchie now has eleven for the season, exactly double last year's tally - Alan Parry
3. Adams is stretching himself, looking for Seaman - Brian Moore
4. Here we are in the holy land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists - David Vine
5. Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they have eleven Dicks on the field - Metro Radio
6. Martin O'Neill, hands on hips, stroking his chin - Mike Ingham
7. It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of Saturday's scoreline - Radio Five Live
8. He's thirty-one this year. Last year he was thirty - David Coleman
9. And with four minutes gone the score is already nil each - Ian Darke
10. Positive move by Uruguay - two men off and two men on - John Helm
But to be fair it's not just the football commentators. Listed below are ten of my all-time favourites:
1. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford Crew - Harry Carpenter
2. This really is a lovely horse - I once rode her mother - Ted Walsh
3. I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father - Greg Norman
4. Ray Illingworth relieving himself in front of the pavilion - John Arlott
5. There HAVE been deaths and injuries in boxing - none of them serious - Alan Minter
6. Later we have some action from the men's cockless pairs - Sue Barker
7. Do my eyes deceive me or is Senna's car sounding rough - Murray Walker
8. For those watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all yellow strip - John Motson
9. The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey - Bryan Johnson
10. Gregoravia from Bulgaria I saw her snatch this morning. It was amazing - Pat Genn
If you have enjoyed this little sojourn through sporting blunders why not join us all on the COB message board - the brightest and the funniest in the land.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all.
Louis Spence.
Answers to first part:
1. Ian Rush
2. David Beckham
3. Barry Venison
4. Ruud Gullitt
5. David O Leary
6. Terry Venables
7. Kevin Keegan
8. Ron Atkinson
9. Mark Draper
10. Bobby Robson
JOIN THE DEBATE AT THE COME ON BORO MESSAGEBOARD
RETURN TO LOUIS SPENCE INDEX PAGE HERE
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