THE BAND GOES ON AND ON AND ON... 18-10-07
Louis Spence

Louis Spence

Let me make it clear that I AM a lover of music. I have attended many concerts of differing musical genres and I have also earned a few bob singing myself. Now maybe I am not as good as I should be but I am entertaining and I have a large and varied repertoire. Which of course I perform - BUT ONLY WHEN INVITED TO DO SO.

Opera is not my favourite form of music but like countless others I was entranced by Pavarotti's singing of "Nessun Dorma" which was one of the highlights of the 1990 World Cup TV coverage. It certainly added to it when it was played at the start and the end of TV transmissions - BUT NOT THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE PROCEEDINGS.

To hear the Anfield faithful sing "You'll Never Walk Alone" is indeed a stirring sound. The ever beautiful "Abide with Me" performed on Cup Final day is one hundred percent guaranteed to give my tear ducts a good workout. We also sing our clubs' anthems equally as passionately - BUT ONLY WHEN WE FEEL IT IS APPROPRIATE.

Heaven only knows I am sick of the Scots who whine on about their hatred for England, conveniently forgetting how many of their countrymen took the king's shilling, but I salute their pride when they belt out "Flower of Scotland". It is uplifting without doubt and gives the chanters a sense of unity. And yet THEY DO NOT SING IT NON-STOP.

So where is this article leading? Reader your wait is over.

This is a serious and heartfelt rant about that infernal band that incessently plays at England football matches.

Were they invited?

Whose decision was it that we should have to hear this endless racket ?

And does anyone (including themselves) really think they add anything to the paying spectators' enjoyment of the day?

If I wanted to listen to a brass band play I would go and watch one. Yet should I get tickets to an England match I have this continuous din to contend with. It's not quite so bad when they play recognisable tunes but the latest three note riff (undoubtedly suggested by some chancer for the benefit of dullards to 'hum along to' ad nauseum) is an assault not only on one's eardrums but ultimately one's mental health.

If this was played on TV whilst you attempted to watch a film or a documentary then there would be ructions. And yet you HAVE to suffer this mad cacophony should you wish to view the England team on the box or in person. You have no choice - they seem to have no intention of moving nor shutting up.

Especially the doyle on the big drum. It reminds you of the moronic behaviour of fans who would attempt to sing about someone's red/black/blue and white army for the duration of the ninety minutes. Duh! 'See, WE'RE good supporters!'. Heaven help us!!

You just never have a mallet when you need one.

Who are these people? If they really are football fans then surely they would concentrate on watching the game, which is hardly a cheap day out nowadays anyway. It must give them all some sort of kudos to declare that they are a band member. Look at me carrying my trumpet case into the ground!

'Ooh, you're not in the band are you? ARE you? Really?' Ooh good (OH GOD!)

Do you do requests boys? Here's a little one from me. Please take your instruments and stick them where darkness reigns! Or to make it more plain...

IN THE NAME OF SANITY...GO!!

PS. Although my column is headed "Premier League Review" there are already many excellent writers at ComeOnBoro.com who cover this. The editor has therefore given me licence to write about football in general. Should you wish to comment on the above or any other aspects of football, or if you just like a good laugh, then the message board at ComeOnBoro.com is the best in the land.

Louis Spence

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