Smog On The Tyne - Derby Day || Middlesbrough F.C. news, reviews and comment

DERBY DAY 24-8-07
Chris Bannister

Dear readers. Before I go any further, I have a confession to make; I am not from Middlesbrough. I'm a Boro fan nonetheless, but instead of being a child of Redcar or Marton I hail from Manchester (well Stockport). I have never even had a Parmo. 'Smog on the Tyne' is actually 'Plastic Smog on the Tyne'.

Now before you spit chicken and cheese all over your keyboard in shock and disgust I feel I should explain. I've always supported Boro. I did, as a child, flirt with the glamour and glitz of Manchester United but by the age of ten realised success wasn't for me and threw myself into wholehearted Boro fandom.

It's all my mother's fault. Being from Redcar she's a Boro fan and without any worthwhile pressure from my footballingly ambivalent Mancunian father, I fell under her, her father's and her brother's influence becoming infatuated with the mercurial talents of Branco and Steve Vickers.

I only disclose this vignette of personal and family history as means to provide context for a spectacle I witnessed while at work (yes, some students do work) in Manchester. It was Monday and two of the other hospital porters were discussing 'The Derby' between Citeh and Manyoo of the previous day. It ended in a fight.

Now, many outsiders of the second city may believe this is how most conversations end here, but allow me to paint the picture a little clearer. Both fellas were United fans, and while one, lets call him Ryan, believed it was just one of those days where nothing goes for you, the other, Roy, believed that Ferguson should be sacked and Vidic up against the wall and shot.

Ryan said this was a little strong and Roy questioned his support of the team, saying he wasn't a 'real fan' (neither was at the game), Ryan took umbrage and a scuffle broke out.

This, as hilarious as it may seem to most, if not all people, is an example of derby's getting the better of people's better judgement.

And it is on this note that I offer my feelings on the first game of the season between the north-east's biggest teams.

We never seem to play our best against Newcastle. Last season's victory marked the end of a rather barren spell of results against the Mags, yet before every encounter I always, always seem to think we'll batter them. This is my lapse of judgement, I simply can't take this fixture seriously (admittedly it's not workplace fisticuffs, but its still pretty foolish).

I'm normally quite pensive before most games, predicting an actually attainable result, yet before this game I sound a lot like that old man stood behind you in the pub talking all too audibly about Carlos Marinelli being the next Wilf Mannion and Boro's title push being undermined by the southern media.

I actually believe that Chris Riggott and David Wheater won't be found out by Martins' pace. I'll bet my house on Jeremie Aliadiere turning that workrate into goals, lots of goals, at least five. In a massive turnaround from two weeks ago, I love Mido.

There are countless reasons as to why we will not win this game; Yakubu's gone, so has Dooks and he plays for the opposition, Alves isn't here, Mido isn't fully fit and our back line plays like they've just met in a brothel and can't bring themselves to make eye contact with each other!

But all of these pale in comparison with the mights, the maybes, the romantic football dreams; Tuncay'll find his feet, George Boateng: 2004 edition'll get a runout, Stewie'll imagine he's playing against Bolton, Lee Dong Gook's not just a means to sell shirts...

In short, I become like a Newcastle fan when we play Newcastle. Obviously not in the classic sense. I don't take my shirt off when I spot a Channel Five camera or have the names 'Wor Alan' and 'Wor Jackie' tattooed on each cheek.

It's more of an abstract 'reality is not an issue' mindset when regarding my team's prospects. 'What does it feel like?' Ask me after the match. Or if you're not my mother, delete where applicable.

It feels canny great like, we're gonna win the league like! We need another striker! Who's injured?

In all seriousness though, I truly hope we'll actually play well and score a few goals in this one. a clean sheet wouldn't go amiss either. However, I know this is unlikely, so I'm going to plump for a realistic 6-1.

Chris Bannister

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