Louis Spence's Premier League Preview || Sorting Out The Managers

SORTING OUT THE MANAGERS 15-9-07
Louis Spence

The six stages of the lifespan of a new manager at any Premiership club frequently follow the same pattern.

1. Wild Enthusiasm
2. Total Confusion
3. Utter Despair
4. Search for the Guilty
5. Persecution of the Innocent
6. Promotion of the Incompetent

This is not always the case but without mentioning any names I suggest you may conjure up one or two incumbent managers who fit the bill.

Being a man whose team finished a handy 32,967th in a recent fantasy football competition, I strongly suggest the current crop of managers would do well to read my words of wisdom and heed the warnings. After all. There's no substitute for inexperience.

Here are the most appropriate t-shirt slogans for the Premiership managers.

Rafael Benitez - Power corrupts but lack of power corrupts absolutely.

Arsene Wenger - Winning isn't everything - It's the only thing.

Jose Mourinho - In defeat unbeatable; in victory unbearable.

Sven Goran Eriksson - Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you. (Stable door, horse etc)

David Moyes - It's never TOO hard to distinguish between a dour Scot and a ray of sunshine.

Big Sam - All you need in life is ignorance and confidence to ensure success.

Mark Hughes - Blessed is he who expects no gratitude as he shall not be disappointed.

Alex Ferguson - George Washington could not tell a lie. Alex can. As soon as he hears it.

Chris Hutchins - Managers are like nappies. Nice when new but soon full of shit.

Martin O'Neill - A man never lost for a few appropriated words (not like me, reader)

Alan Curbishley - Principles are inevitably sacrificed to expediency.

Gareth Southgate - No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

'Arry Redknapp - A lack of education can be compensated by moral bankruptcy.

Martin Jol - For every person wanting to teach there are thirty not wanting to be taught.

Hey Sanchez - Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Steve Bruce - Your photographs do you an injustice. They look just like you.

Roy Keane - Money isn't everything: usually it isn't even enough.

Steve Coppell - Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by not being aware of it.

Sammy Lee - Victory finds 100 fathers but defeat is an orphan.

Billy Davies - On the right track, sadly on the wrong train.

The twenty gaffers coudl do worse than heed such words of wisdom. You see, what I don't know about football you could write on the back of a furniture van.

Louis Spence

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