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THE ALTERNATIVE LEAGUE TABLE 1-9-07
Louis Spence

The idea that top class footballers would make first rate managers has been disproved on many occasions. Bobby Charlton, Alan Ball and more recently Bryan Robson, have all been found wanting when it comes to getting others to play at a level at least within bawling distance of their own revered standards. Too inebriated, too nice and too small (though not necessarily in that order) are the reasons that come to mind.

Today's managerial big hitters in the Premiership actually stand as testament to the fact that the need to have played successfully at the top level is of no significance whatsoever.

Jose Mourinho won four national titles in four years, two with Porto and two with Chelsea, along with a Champions League title for the unfashionable Portuguese outfit. His professional playing career is the same as mine and probably yours - non-existent. The Special One? Pah!

Arsene Wenger made twelve appearances for Strasbourg, with the rest of his playing days having been conducted at amateur level. I can't imagine the French having boozed-up pub teams kicking the merde out of each other. WBA? In my day that stood for Whinney Banks Assassins (from the Middlesbrough League) - a true test of bottle if you happened to get them in the Sunday Cup. Pre-match prayer "If I should die, think only this of me..(PEEP!!).", "Ow you dirty get". Etc.

The managerial career of ex-England boss Sven (been there, done 'er) is littered with club trophies of the highest order. And in different time zones. His playing career was even less notable however than his record with our national side. And not a patch on his bewilderingly unfathomable appeal with the Faria sex. And it's Nancy tickle me fancy oh, from darling Svenni boy.

Even our most successful manger of all time, Furious Fergie, the Govan Oven bustled and elbowed through the lower Scottish leagues with only forty-one appearances for Rangers and no representative honours to his name. Apart from earlier having been a shop steward in the Clyde shipyards. Quelle surprise! It was at a later stage that the Spleen Machine became THE world authority on penalty decisions. And spitting out the dummy. And siege mentality. And my way or the highway. Awful to watch, awesome in practice.

On the other hand we have Souness whose mansions must be sardine-crammed with players' medals and mementoes of football glory. One of his favourite sayings is 'Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser'. So what exactly does that make him? Had he still been in management the No.1 spot was his for the taking in this alternative league. Great footballer without a doubt but the Scouse jury ain't even discussing his managerial ability. In his own kinsmen's vernacular, "Not Proven".

And so, without further ado, I give to you the ALTERNATIVE Premiership table based on the success of the playing careers of the club managers:

1	SUNDERLAND	7 Premier League titles, 4 FA cups, 450 career appearances, 66 international caps RK
2	BLACKBURN	2 League titles, 2 FA cups, 606 appearances, 72 international caps MH
3	BIRMINGHAM	3 Premier League titles, 3 FA cups, 734 career appearances SB
4	ASTON VILLA	European Cup winner, 64 international appearances, Mo'N
5	MIDDLESBROUGH	57 England caps, 503 career appearances GS
6	READING	42 England caps, 360 career appearances SC
7	BOLTON	England caps, 197 Liverpool appearances SL
8	FULHAM	3 Northern Ireland caps, 539 career appearances LS
9	TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR	3 Holland caps, 425 career appearances MJ
10	EVERTON	550 career appearances, 24 for Celtic DM
11	WEST HAM	458 career appearances, no lower league tat AC
12	WIGAN	468 career appearances, 87 for Chelsea CH
13	NEWCASTLE	445 career appearances SA
14	MANCHESTER UNITED	327 career appearances, 167 goals (Sir) AF
15	LIVERPOOL	Over 400 appearances at lower Spanish levels RB
16	DERBY	331 career appearances, 13 for Rangers BD
17	PORTSMOUTH	276 career appearances, 149 for West Ham 'AR
18	ARSENAL	12 pro appearances for Strasbourg AW
19	MANCHESTER CITY	Lower league appearances in Sweden. Sweden?! SGE
20	CHELSEA	What pro career? JM

Liverpool at 15th. Arsenal at 18th, Chelsea rock bottom and Manchester United, the most successful club in English football, at 14th. How's about that then? Now you may have differing views on my rankings here, based on the managers' careers - after all football is a game of opinions. But it does bring me to a point of contention.

If the more successful players can't cut it at the management game is it really any wonder there is a shitload of them awaiting the MOTD call to inform the rest of us of how teams should be managed? And how football should be played? Those who can do, those who can't preach. Why should we take any notice of these fair-weather sailors?

Just like Jose I am sure many of you would do a better job at managing than Alan ("you win nothing with kids") Hansen, Mark (Newcastle defensive coach!) Lawrenson and the jackanape ironically known as Wright. Which he rarely is. As for the one season wonder, Schmeichel - delusions of adequacy, Nurse.

Nobody said that managing football teams was easy. It never was and it never will be. But telling others how to do it from the safety of a studio settee is a different kettle of tosh althogether. It seems there is a world of difference between playing successfully at the top level and getting others to do so.

Those who could, can't. Those who couldn't, can. Funny old game, as they say. Evenin' all.

Louis Spence

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