Louis Spence's Premier League Preview

LOUIS SPENCE'S PREMIER LEAGUE PREVIEW 10-8-07
Louis Spence

Hello reader. A warm welcome to this load of old tosh you see before you. And yes, as you all predicted, it was a four horse race yet again. Money doesn't talk - it screams. And for your ardent true football fan it aint a healthy sound. And to think we used to take the pee out of the Scottish duopoly.

Without further ado I will reveal how the Premiership ended in season 2007-2008. Yes folks, don't forget you read it here first.

ComeOnBoro.com at the cutting edge yet again.

PREMIERSHIP FINAL PLACINGS 2007-2008

1. ?
2. ?
3. ?
4. ?
5. ?
6. ?
7. ?
8. ?
9. Shouldn't be in the Premiership FC
10. Boro
11. Newcastle
12. ?
13. ?
14. ?
15. ?
16. Sunderland
17. ?
18. Fulham
19. Wigan
20. Derby

So there we have it. Fergie, the old purply faced grizzle who cannot pronounce his 'Rs' rarely seems to fall on his. Any more of those David Pleat type goal celebrations however could soon change that. With a bit of luck.

Now mind you don't swallow that oversized wodge of chuddy, Awix. That is ten Premiership league titles from sixteen seasons. And only eleven highly dubious penner decisions this time around (nine concerning Ronaldo - he is a lad isn't he. tee hee). Quite incredible really.

Now football is all a matter of opinion, and although Ferguson, the old Govan warhorse, is not one of my fave poster pictures (which is a shame 'cos he'd go a bundle on me), there's no doubt about his management ability with that phenomenal statistic.

Forget the Rock, Jock, stick to what you are good at. Cue loads of rejoicing for slebs who know sweet FA about football but are avid Man U fans. Naturally. Not forgetting the Home Counties faithful. God forbid.

Behind the scenes shenanigans again did for runners-up Chelsea. When will this philanthropic chairman ever learn. Here's one salutary lesson for him. Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. Too many players who are all up their own rear ends never helps, and the team spirit so ably demonstrated by the scandalously underpaid John Terry was sadly lacking in some of the petulant posing prima donnas.

Once again Jose dropped a Ballack or two. And with good reason (poor Ashley must surely be due a pay review, what can his agent be thinking about) Jose, last seen walking down Lovers Lane holding his own hand was as riveting as a pop gun with his matinee idol looks and his endearing modesty. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Do us a favour Jose - win sod all...

Good start for the Henryless Arsenal at three who proved again that top quality one-touch football played at speed by two-footed craftsmen will prove the undoing of most defences. Arsene it seems is being considered for the next Specsavers ad having missed seeing a few controversial moments. Couldn't have got a bet on that, could you reader.

Liverpool, with their well-meaning manager's predilection for buying his fellow countrymen (oh yeah and then selling them back) were never really at the races, especially away from home where too many points were squandered to lesser outfits.

Still, another shot at the Champions league for those lovable well travelled Scouse scallies. Yer wha' Lock it up, mate - take a holiday. Missing Bellamy? Erm...........would you? - not with 20/20 vision and a powerful spudgun. Gerrard for Barcelona? Nah, footballers never go back on their word.

Spurs had some wonderful moments but that was a long, long time ago. Still, it seems, they cannot find the steely mindset that teams must have to win major titles. And so it is fifth again. There's not too many Dave Mackays around these days. Who's he? Now come on, young man, keep up. Ask your Dad.

Excellent strikers but midfield generals? Mussolini's lads had more fight. Everton once again punched above their financial weight with the pragmatic Moyes getting the best from a hard working bunch of lads. One-nil, dats areright, laa, still in the top six.

Villa's young lads started to repay the faith of the wily but somewhat creepy Martin O'Neill with a seventh placing for the club with the fourth most successful club history. 'Arry, the barrow boy made good, euphemistically described as a colourful character, did well once more with his tried and tested method of picking bruised and battered apples and polishing 'em back up, giving Portsmouth another fair old season. Yep good as new. 'Fresh in today, darling.' In eighth spot. What me, Your Honour? Agents? What agents?

As a lover of fair play we will skip one place to find that Mr Southgate is proving himself no slouch at the management game. At long last it seems Boro are being encouraged to attack teams with the pace and the flair introduced by Gareth.

Despite the usual pathetic derogatory remarks made about this club by original 'football writers' (don't make me laugh, stop it), the well-run NE team were well worthy of a top half placing. Nearby neighbours Newcastle amply demonstrated Allardyce's one dimensional systematic style, much to the chagrin of their fans, and were once again nowhere near the standards required for a fabulously supported team.

And that injury list curse again - a rabbit off somewhere methinks. The size of Harvey. They must be delighted they got the prolific Smudger. I am. Eleventh place bonny lad, arrreet?' Gee us a bottle o'dog woman. 'What position were they in when they wellied Bobby Robson?

More of last season's huff and puff ensured Reading another go on the merry-go-round at twelve and Blackburn again battled and competed well enough without raising too much blood pressure in the excitement stakes.

Traditional shirt yes, nevertheless it's minging. And now the Premiership's worst following Watford's demise. Who DO you know that would wear red with yellow like that. Have a word lads. Still, a bruising battling thirteenth (unlucky for some .....their opponents).

Manchester City are a real enigma in their ability to play badly one day and worse the next. The jury is still out on Sven after some questionable buys (Not you, Faria) and some lack-lustre performances (no, I meant on the field, Nancy). So fourteen it is.

Bolton are missing Big Sam, the economy version still recovering from a life threatening charisma bypass op - 'Mam, Mam, do you like the headset'. 'Looks great little Sam'. And his sad attempts to motivate the hotch potch of car-booters that play for them. Fifteenth floor, going down...

Six times League champions (yes indeedy, check your facts, friend) Sunderland fared OK for their first year back with Roy Keane doing a fine motivational job (of the 'or else' variety) on untested players. 'Come on Boss, we are trying'. You certainly are... HOW MUCH was that keeper?.

They will be more than happy at sixteenth. Similarly Birmingham (wake me up before I go go) who surely would have settled for survival at the end of the show. Nice to see ya, to see ya nice, Brucie.

Down among the dead men. Yo ho ho. Fulham never showed the skill or heart needed for survival. Craven Cottage indeed. Hey, Sanchez, too many Norn Irn gringos.

Wigan never showed much worth seeing and proved the old maxim 'You CAN buy success'. Not with second rate players however.

And Derby. God love 'em and their long suffering fans. It's been a long haul for these ex-Champions and I fear it will be a long old time before we see them again at the top table. Started bad and went down from there. And that for me is a genuine shame.

So there we have it, reader. In sixteen Premiership seasons we still have only four names as champions. And one of those has won it over 60% of the time.

I would love the odds for the one-time winner to repeat the success. Still, as we all know, getting your name on any trophy is now an arduous mountainous trek, let alone the major prize. And little Blackburn did just that. Just how did they achieve that?

Money, daft lad, money.

And I do believe that is where we came in.

Ta-ra

Louis Spence

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